Looking for: A woman to meet a man in his 60s

We Jews might only make up 0.227% of the world population, but we manage to find plenty of ways of differentiating ourselves from each other. We love labels. Orthodox, Reform, Conservative, Liberal, Secular, Charedi, Chassidic, Masorti, Traditional… the list goes on. Last week I received an email that referred to a shiur taking placing at an Egalitarian Traditional shul. The problem with all these labels is that we often have no idea what they actually mean. Which is why I was especially glad to see someone take the time to actually define one of these terms… in a lonely hearts ad in Friday’s Jerusalem Post.

The anonymous bachelor took out an advert on the classified page, titled “Looking for: A woman to meet a man in his 60s”. A native Californian now living in Jerusalem, “still involved in his U.S. businesses” (a.k.a. wealthy) describes himself as having “a rich history, a wonderful sense of humor, likes people and loves Israel… very modern orthodox”. Sounds good, so what’s he looking for? A “very modern orthodox…physically attractive and well groomed” woman, not “a leftist”, professional, worldly, “unencumbered with young children” and under the age of 50. After giving his email address he offers five bullet points defining “very modern orthodox”. They include having a day school education, being a follower of all basic halacha, into mixed swimming, watching TV and going to the movies…and a hatless trouser-wearer.

Well, there you go. If you do all of that, you’re “very modern orthodox”. If you wear a hat or skirts you must be “extremely modern orthodox” or perhaps “old-fashioned orthodox”. If you didn’t go to day school you’re just “a little bit modern orthodox” and if you’re a bit lax on basic halacha you might have to settle for “only just modern orthodox”.

If by any chance you fit the description and fancy meeting a guy 15 years older than you – who knows what he wants – don’t worry about being short of small talk for your first date. Mr Very Modern Orthodox promises “other criteria to be discussed”.

Antisemites of the World, Unite!

Antisemites - they're everywhere.

Politics: France's new President, Nicolas Sarkozy, won the Presidential Election by six percentage points. Where did he get most his votes? In the French Embassy in Tel Aviv, where he won a whopping 90% of the vote, a higher percentage than he won in his hometown. So naturally, you would expect him to hold his victory rally in Bloomfield Stadium Tel Aviv, but no, the antisemite opted for Paris. And if you still have your doubts - after all, he had a Jewish grandfather - he just appointed a Socialist Foreign Minister who blames Israel (a.k.a. the Jews) for everything.

Sport: West Ham United's great escape from relegation out of the English Premier Football League will go down in sporting history as one of the great stories of survival. When West Ham were ten points adrift at the foot of the table, they never could have imagined that they would be playing top flight football next season. The commentators have heaped praise on Argentine superstar, Carlos Tevez for turning West Ham's fortunes, netting a hatful of goals in the last few matches. But anyone who actually saw West Ham beat Manchester United in the last game of the season would know that the real hero was Israeli Yossi Benayoun who cleared the ball off West Ham's line twice. None of the commentators will admit it, but Tevez's contributions were secondary to Benayoun's heroics. That's because Yossi is a Jew and Carlos is not, and all football commentators are antisemites.

The Arts: Scandal of scandals. Worse than getting "nil points" at the Eurovision Song Contest, Israel didn't even qualify this year. The Israeli entry may not have included any monsters, nor were any of the band members previously of another sex. Their entry might have been about nuclear war, but that's clearly not the reason that they were unceremoniously dumped out of the competition. Yes, you guessed it – the judges were all antisemites.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to us that antisemites have infiltrated all aspects of public life. We've known for a long time that all of Europe are antisemites, and this week, the Americans proved that they too are antisemites when they turned down an invitation to celebrate a united and undivided Jerusalem. To paraphrase an old saying: It's not our fault we're paranoid when everyone is out to get us.

Three Cheers for Cromwell!

There are few things that I enjoy more than spending an evening curled up on the couch with a good DVD. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a new action film, a good comedy or an old musical. But recently, a new genre of DVD entered my life, when a friend of mine got hold of a copy of the ceremony at Bevis Marks Synagogue in London, marking the 350th anniversary of the re-admission of Jews to Britain. You can’t find that in Blockbusters.

The ceremony brought together the leaders of Anglo Jewry and representatives of the British establishment, most notably, Prime Minister Tony Blair, for a service of thanksgiving. Bevis Marks was the obvious location for such an event. It’s England’s oldest and one its most beautiful Synagogues, it’s in central London, and its members are as English as they come. They talk posh, wear top hats and no doubt, drink tea at five and host garden parties.

Several children from the local Jewish Primary School, dressed impeccably in their maroon school uniform, hair brushed and teeth sparkling, went up on the stage to offer thanks to the people of England. Addressing the Prime Minister, the children thanked him and his predecessors for being so kind to the Jew, allowing him to come back after he had been expelled 365 years earlier and for tolerating him ever since. “Oh thank you Prime Minister, thank you so much for not massacring us, or forcing us to live in ghettos. Thank you for allowing us to open businesses and to vote in elections. It really is awfully kind of you.”

Yes. We Jews are so used to persecution and hatred that we sound almost surprised when we’re left alone.

Don’t get me wrong. We have a lot to be thankful for, but at the same time, it’s a reciprocal relationship. We shouldn’t try to hide the things that are most important to us, as if we’re a bit embarrassed by them. Like our deep love of Israel. Throughout the ceremony I was struck by the absence of at least a mention of Anglo-Jewry’s strong ties to the Jewish State and support for strong bilateral ties between both countries. The service concluded with laughter all around when the choir performed its rendition of God Save the Queen in Hebrew. I wondered whether they would sing the Hatikva in English, but given the atmosphere of the event, Mr Blair could have been mistaken into thinking that “Lihiyot Am Chofshi B’artzenu” (To be a free people in our country) was referring to England.

But even the best planned events occasionally have their blips. Only a keen ear would have noticed that when the choir sang Aleinu, they followed the Sephardi liturgy that includes a line about the gentiles, removed from the Ashkenazi siddur years ago – “For they bow to vanity and emptiness and pray to a god which helps not.” Now that’s not cricket.